


STARF**KER

by do_it_to_julia



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Basically an excuse to write reams of porn, Crack Treated Seriously, Dopheld Mitaka POV, Enthusiastic Consent, F/M, I wrote this fic for me but y'all can read it if you want, M/M, Multi, Proud slut Armitage Hux, Proud slut Kylo Ren, Put Dopheld Mitaka In Uncomfortable Sexual Situations 2k19, no beta readers we die like men
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-28
Updated: 2019-05-09
Packaged: 2020-02-09 07:06:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,432
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18633250
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/do_it_to_julia/pseuds/do_it_to_julia
Summary: "See, I worry that what you keep hearing is, 'I am not currently interested in you'." Hux clasped his hands together in front of him, his eyes intent on Kylo. "So let me be clear. I would literally rather engage in sexual acts with every other consenting adult on this ship than allow you to think I had the remotest shred of attraction toward you, Supreme Leader."Kylo scoffed. "First, that's a lie, because you want me, and it's obvious. Second, this Star Destroyer has a crew of around 75,000, including stormtroopers. Even if only 1% of them want to sleep with you, that's still just under 750 people. There's no way you have the stamina for that."Slowly, Hux rose from his seat. There was a dangerous look in his eyes."Are you questioning my competence?" he hissed. "Is that achallenge?"---Hux and Kylo compete to see who is the biggest slut.This ran away from me and I apologize for nothing.





	1. Chapter 1

Once more, the strategy meeting had devolved into pointless bickering. Mitaka tried not to let his head droop as he watched the two usual culprits exchange barbs across the conference table.

"... and furthermore, our enlisted personnel would get a lot more done if you didn't keep _walking in and seducing them while they were on shift_!" Hux was shouting.

This argument again. Fantastic. Dopheld felt himself redden. Things had been bad enough when Kylo was force-choking people left and right, but apparently getting a better handle on his anger hadn't improved the working environment at all. Now the Supreme Leader was happily slutting his way through the crew instead, and seemed to have no sense of decorum when it came to when or where he did it. Most of the people who accepted Kylo's _very_ generous random offers were smart enough to take it back to their quarters, but there had been a few occasions-

" _Once_ ," Kylo corrected. "It happened _once._ " (He was lying. Mitaka had walked in on him at least twice.) "Also, that was an officer. Not an enlisted crewmember. Look, it's not my fault I'm really attractive and have a massive dick."

"I have told you before that the size of your penis is not an excuse-" the General hissed, before Ren interrupted him.

"Make sure you get that down, Lieutenant. _Supreme Leader Kylo Ren has a huge dick_. Don't write that I said it. Just write that my dick is really huge. Put it under 'Any Other Business' or something."

"... has... a... huge... dick..." muttered Dopheld sheepishly, as he typed it into the minutes.

Hux gritted his teeth. "Is there _any_ chance at all we can get back to the matter at hand? This puerile and continual derailment of _every single conversation_ is _not_ conducive to a productive working environment and it is _certainly_ not conduct befitting the Supreme Leader of the First Order!"

"I'll stop mentioning my impressive girth when you admit you're attracted to me," replied Kylo smugly.

Beside Hux, Captain Peavey was surreptitiously checking his datapad for new messages. Dopheld couldn't see Phasma's face beneath the newly-repaired chrome armour, but he wondered if she might have fallen asleep standing up. This was fairly par for the course by now. If he wasn't such a professional, Mitaka would have stopped taking notes at all. He could just search previous meeting records and copy and paste in the usual "my cock is huge and you blatantly want it" exchange between Kylo and Hux. Nobody would notice.

"I am not," the General enunciated, " _remotely_ attracted to you."

"Okay," Ren said. "I don't believe you."

"The thought of seeing you naked again fills me with unparalleled disgust."

"Sure. Keep telling yourself that."

"You have the personality and sexual magnetism of a dead rathtar. I would consider intercourse with you to be the equivalent of voluntarily inserting radioactive material into my anus," Hux declared. ( _... radioactive material... into anus,_ Dopheld noted dutifully.)

"I think you're protesting too much, General."

"See, I worry that what you keep hearing is, 'I am not currently interested in you'." Hux clasped his hands together in front of him, his eyes intent on Kylo. "So let me be clear. I would literally rather engage in sexual acts with every other consenting adult on this ship than allow you to think I had the remotest shred of attraction toward you, Supreme Leader."

Kylo scoffed. "First, that's a lie, because you want me, and it's obvious. Second, this Star Destroyer has a crew of around 75,000, including stormtroopers. Even if only 1% of them want to sleep with you, that's still just under 750 people. There's no way you have the stamina for that."

Slowly, Hux rose from his seat. There was a dangerous look in his eyes.

"Are you questioning my competence?" he hissed. "Is that a _challenge?"_

This was an unusual turn of conversation. Mitaka looked up from his notes. Peavey was paying attention again too. Lieutenant Unamo, beside him, seemed to be exchanging glances with Phasma.

"I'm not challenging you," said Kylo Ren, with the cocksure manner of someone who totally was challenging him. "I'm just saying: you couldn't do it. Besides, you'd have to find 750 people who were actually interested in you."

"Excuse me! Just because I don't flaunt my conquests at every opportunity doesn't mean I'm not also quite successful in that department," blustered the General.

"Could everyone in this room who has engaged in some form of sexual activity with me please identify themselves," requested Kylo, raising his voice.

There was a pause. Lieutenant Unamo lifted her hand. After a moment, so did Phasma and Captain Opan, who had been tactfully silent up to this point. Dopheld felt himself going red again.

"That was an order, Lieutenant Mitaka," Ren said.

Mitaka raised his arm slowly. Hux gave him a look of scandalized betrayal before responding.

"This kind of childish point-scoring would be meaningless even if you _didn't_ have access to kriff knows what kind of force-persuasive techniques-"

"I don't use the force to seduce people. That would just be creepy," the Supreme Leader told him firmly. "In fact I've never been with anyone who wasn't enthusiastically consenting. I am what is referred to as an _ethical slut_ , and I am _proud_ of that fact."

"Yes! We _know_ you're proud!" Hux practically screamed. "I had to stop broadcasting your weekly speeches live because you keep telling the entire First Order how many blowjobs you've given!"

"It's more than _you_ have," Kylo told him.

Oh fuck. They were getting into this again. It was beyond a joke now. Mitaka had sudden visions of Ren and Hux entering into some kind of horrendous competition to see who could seduce the most people. Surely that couldn't happen? Surely Hux wasn't going to allow himself to be goaded into this?

* * *

"So," Hux instructed primly, as he peeled off his General's uniform. "There are rather a lot of stormtroopers here. I'm trusting you to maintain a tally, Lieutenant, as well as keeping the troops supplied with water, lubricant and prophylactics as required."

"Yes, sir," replied Mitaka miserably. Hux hadn't wanted to scare his cat, so they were using the VIP suite, usually reserved for visiting dignitaries and the odd orgy. It was marginally less austere than most cabins aboard the Finalizer, and, most importantly, the bed was much larger.

Seventy-one troopers in total had volunteered for this. Hux had decided to take them on at roughly twelve at a time, in order of sign-up, with at least 24 hours in between. That was still quite a lot, for someone who'd only ever had sex one-on-one before, but Hux was nothing if not ambitious.

Dopheld suspected there would have been more if the majority hadn't suspected a trap. Some had even wondered if Hux's announcement was some kind of joke. But no. This was really happening. No wonder the rest of the galaxy didn't take them seriously.

Many of the troopers were still mingling in the living area, but a few had made their way in to sit down or stand at uneasy attention, helmets held under their arms. Dopheld cleared his throat and checked the datapad.

"FN-two-triple-zero?" he called. A dark-skinned stormtrooper with a pale scar on one cheek stepped forward.

"They call me Zeroes, sir," he said, addressing Hux uncertainly, who was sitting on the edge of the bed and prying off his boots. "Um. So - do we just -"

"Get on the bed, and I'll suck you off," the General replied. "Quickly, soldier, unless you've changed your mind, in which case you may dismiss yourself." Zeroes had already started taking off his armour.

"No. No, sir. I'm still - uh - so this is really happening?"

Hux shucked his trousers and underwear and stretched himself out on the bed, looking every bit as delectable as Mitaka imagined he would. His slim, pale frame dusted with freckles; the hair around his crotch just as red as the occasional graffiti in the stormtrooper's barracks suggested. His dick was already half-hard. Dopheld forced himself not to stare.

"If you want it to," Armitage said glibly. Zeroes muttered an enthused "yes, sir!" and peeled off the bodysuit, revealing his finely-honed physique and the odd light scar. His cock stood to attention in its thatch of coarse black hair as he climbed onto the mattress. Hux grabbed a condom from the bedside table and shifted onto his knees in front of Zeroes, coaxing him onto his back. Some of the other stormtroopers in the room were watching open-mouthed. Mitaka pressed his own lips together self-consciously as Hux rolled the barrier onto the other man's erection and unceremoniously took it into his mouth.

"Kriff," muttered Zeroes, watching the General of the First Order bob his head up and down in his lap. He bit his lip, holding his arms rigid by his sides as if afraid to touch his commander, but Hux had no such compunctions; his hands slid onto Zeroes' thighs, massaging the taut muscles there.

Embarrassingly, Mitaka was starting to get hard. Which was understandable. But it felt unprofessional. He sat down and put his datapad in his lap.

Zeroes' head was tilted back in pleasure now, and he let out a quiet moan as Hux teased at his balls, taking him in to the hilt for a moment before drawing back to catch his breath.

"I think we may have to double up here, Lieutenant, if we're to keep to schedule." he panted. "Call up the next trooper. No - two, as long as one's willing to suck me off while I ride this one, assuming he's amenable."

FN-2000 swore quietly. A female stormtrooper with bright red hair and an asymmetrical undercut raised her hand. "I'll do it," she said cheerfully.

"Right, that's, er, FN-1987 and - FN-1824?" Mitaka managed, as the female trooper started to strip down. FN-1824, who introduced himself as 'Two-four' (turns out most stormtrooper names were not very creative), was a tall man with slightly greying hair and, as it turned out, an unusually girthy cock, which Hux had some trouble getting his lips around while Zeroes lubed himself up and prepped Hux with his fingers. Eighty-seven waited eagerly at the edge of the bed for them to get into position, completely naked and apparently not shy about it. Finally, Hux batted Zeroes' hand out of the way and climbed atop him, facing away from him. He closed his eyes in concentration and eased down with a restrained grunt.

"Eighty-seven, if you please," said Hux, with breathless dignity. Eighty-seven clambered over and swallowed the General's cock right up to the root, earning her an impressed gasp. No wonder she'd volunteered for this. The woman was a natural. (Mitaka noted with grudging respect that she was clenching her thumb in one hand to suppress her gag reflex. He'd never been able to get that trick to work.)

"Stars," Hux panted, as Eighty-seven got to work on him, still holding himself in place atop Zeroes to adjust to his size. "Come over here, Two-four - you'll have to stand up for this. Lieutenant, could you get a couple more to masturbate over me to save time?"

"Unfortunately, sir, Supreme Leader Ren did say that bukkake didn't count," Dopheld reminded him.

"Ah, yes." The General actually sounded a little disappointed. He rocked his hips experimentally, and sighed in pleasure before hooking his hands behind Two-four's thighs and allowing the older trooper to feed his length between his slick lips. Two-four stayed still, allowing Hux to pleasure him while Eighty-seven adjusted her pace to account for the redhead's movements.

Mitaka noticed one of the remaining stormtroopers surreptitiously touching herself under her loosened armour. He didn't blame her at all.

Perhaps unsurprisingly, Hux came first, pulling Eighty-seven's head away (and efficiently shucking the condom) to release his load all over her face. Zeroes groaned as Hux tightened around him, and started to buck upwards, although he didn't really get going until the woman had withdrawn to wipe off with a triumphant little grin. She satisfied herself with watching the three men after that, Two-four's eyes closed in silent pleasure while Zeroes swore and thrust up into the General, hands on the slender man's hips now, all previous inhibitions forgotten.

"I'm close," Two-four muttered. Hux drew back, stripping the condom off expertly and pumping the older man's cock with his hand until it pulsed thick ropes of semen over his face and chest. Unwilling to waste a moment, Hux rolled off Zeroes and onto his front, raising himself onto his hands and knees. 

"Get behind me, please," he panted to Zeroes, who eagerly obliged, shoving into him with a force that made Hux cry out in pleasure.

"Going to finish soon, sir," Zeroes told him.

"Good work, soldier," replied Hux breathlessly, and as Zeroes shuddered against him and fell still, the redhead wiped a small glob of come from his lips. "Call up the next lot, please, Lieutenant. We haven't a moment to lose."

This was going to be a long shift.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I honestly have no idea how to tag this fic. There's so much stuff in it, and there's a lot more coming, too. Do I tag for warnings only? Do I just say "fuckit" and add a tag for every kind of sex act that takes place? I mean, the relationship list is already going to end up ridiculously long, so... what do you think?

Nine stormtroopers later, Hux was very much still holding his own. Well, he was actually holding someone's else's, but he was doing it _fantastically_. The stormtrooper in question, an intimidatingly large fellow whose penis was nearly as thick as the General's wrist and needed two hands to really do justice to, was helpfully holding Hux up by the shoulders as the latter pumped away with an expression of fierce determination on his come-splattered face. Opposite him, a second trooper was grinding into Hux from behind while a third masturbated eagerly beside them.

They were still working under the understanding that ejaculating on someone didn't count, but FN-2663 had already come in Hux's mouth so it didn't matter too much what he did after that. And Hux seemed to enjoy the attention. Mitaka was fast discovering a side of his commanding officer that he never dreamed he'd encounter.

He couldn't decide whether it was terrifying or arousing. Probably both.

FN-8426, the massive one, screwed his eyes shut and bellowed low in his throat. Dopheld watched his muscular thighs clench as his hips thrust forward, allowing his cock to shower the General’s face and hands with his hot release. With visible effort, Hux pumped him to completion and then allowed 8426 to lower him down again so he could rest on his elbows for a bit while FN-2888 sated himself inside him.

Hux sighed, face flush with exhaustion, and rubbed his wrist with the opposite hand. Mitaka made a brief note to order him one of those carpal tunnel support things. Suddenly, 2888 administered the General a resounding slap on the arse and moaned, hips stuttering to a still, and Dopheld was halfway toward reaching for his blaster before remembering that Hux had explicitly consented to - nay, encouraged - the act of spanking.

He’d need to write all these down. Maybe add another tab to the file. “Things General Hux is into.” It could double as wank material. Alone in his bed, pining for his Commanding Officer, and masturbating to a spreadsheet. This was Dopheld's life now.

The sound of the slap seemed to push 2663 over the edge as well. He gave a shuddering moan and came, adding yet another splash of semen to the redhead’s lightly freckled back. Hux sagged down onto the bed, panting. He seemed to be long past the point of being able to orgasm himself, having managed three already (which, at his age, was frankly miraculous), but there was a distinct haze of fucked-out satisfaction over his features. Well, insofar as they were visible underneath all those layers of stormtrooper jizz.

As the last three troopers politely withdrew to clean up and re-armour themselves, Dopheld put the datapad down and moved to Hux’s side, a pack of hygienic wipes and a bottle of water in hand.

“Thank you, Lieutenant,” Hux murmured. He rolled onto his back and peeled a used condom off his cheek before accepting the proffered water. “Planning a couple of cycles’ break was a good call.”

Mitaka flushed. “I appreciate that, sir.” He went to sit down, then glanced at the bedsheets and decided not to. Instead, he pulled out one of the moist wipes and tentatively reached for Hux’s cheek. “May I?”

Those seafoam eyes flicked over in his direction. There was a subtle tenderness there, a hint of admiration. “If you would be so kind,” he murmured. Gently, Mitaka wiped some of the semen from his General’s face and throat, feeling his cock throb lightly at the sight.

Hux’s brows furrowed. He seemed about to ask something, and Mitaka seemed about to answer. But neither spoke, and the moment passed.

Dopheld helped the taller man over to the fresher, summoned a cleaning droid, and went back to his quarters to jerk off over his datapad and the memory of Hux getting fucked to within an inch of his life.

 

* * *

The officers assigned to the Finalizer’s software engineering department generally considered themselves to have a quiet, easy job.

Sure, the new weapons control framework was an overengineered pile of shit and the smallest coding error could result in the deaths of thousands, but active maintenance during battles was the remit of another department entirely, and they’d largely escaped Kylo Ren’s smash period, probably because he didn’t know where they were.

The office was well-hidden, nestled somewhere between two of the massive server rooms, and, whilst still forged in the same stark, minimalist aesthetic as the rest of the Star Destroyer's interior, had a distinct homely feel. The consoles were arranged in a circle around a small central recess a few metres wide. Ostensibly this was for presentations and meetings, but the resident programmers mostly used it to play empty-caff-cup pong during slow cycles.

The abrupt entrance of the Supreme Leader was therefore a source of mild panic. Hands froze over their inputs. A caff cup was quietly dropped. Standing proudly in the middle of their small department, lightsaber in hand, Kylo cocked his chin, and announced, “It’s come to my attention that General Hux is privately entertaining a complement of stormtroopers in his quarters.”

Nobody spoke. The chief programmer, a well-cushioned older woman with iron-grey hair, slowly began to reach for the panic button. Unperturbed by the lack of response, Ren continued.

“For those of you who aren’t aware, he’s doing this because he somehow believes that we are in some kind of… pointless sex competition.” He scoffed, and hung the lightsaber on his belt, resting his hands on his hips afterwards. “I plan to prove him wrong. By beating him. So. Who wants some?”

A slim younger man with a very well-trimmed beard dipped his head a little. “Supreme Leader, sir, are you… asking if anyone would like to have sex with you?”

Kylo gave a curt nod. “Yes. Yes I am,” he said, with confidence.

The man glanced from side to side, considering. A pretty, round-cheeked brunette beside him raised her hand.

“Um, would you be open to being pegged with a strap-on, Supreme Leader?” she asked.

Kylo considered this. “How big is it?” he asked. The engineer gave a rough indication of size with her hands. Kylo appraised it for a moment.

“Acceptable. Send a droid to fetch it from your quarters, Lieutenant.”

“No need!” she replied brightly as she stood. “It’s in my locker here.” Ren shot her an impressed look and started to strip off.

“Lieutenant Cheli!” burst the older woman. “Why in the void are you keeping sex toys in the office?”

“In preparation for this very eventuality!” Cheli announced in a chipper tone, bounding over to the employee locker area. The bearded young man raised his hand again.

“Erm, could I possibly… do you afterwards, Supreme Leader?” he asked.

“Sure.” Kylo dropped his tunic onto the ground and gave him an approving glance. “Lieutenant…?”

“Dar, sir. Wen Dar.” He glanced at the discarded clothing. “So… you’re just… we’re just doing it right here?”

“Supreme Leader,” put in the department head, “May I suggest - well, it’s just we have a deadline to meet, and -”

“This takes priority, Colonel.” Ren flexed his bare chest and arms briefly, and then reached down to take off his boots. His tone was clipped and professional, and the Colonel didn’t seem inclined to argue further. “My Order. My ship. My rules. So.” He flung his boots to the side, affected a proud military posture, and took in the room in the manner of a half-naked king surveying his kingdom. “Would anyone else like to fuck?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come complain about my shitty writing on [twitter](https://twitter.com/do_it_to_julia). Watch me give no fucks.


End file.
